Turns Out I am a "Workaholic"

Somehow,  I have managed to land myself an awesome, grown-up, job that I love - and the result of that has been an immediate upheaval of my life. I have always been very good at leaving work at work. The second my time card would hit the time clock was the second that my brain would completely stop any and all thoughts related to work. This was probably how I somehow was able to stay relatively sane for the last decade or so of my life. 

I can no longer do that, and that is a tragedy. 

My life- all of it - is taken up by other people's rafting trips. I suppose there is some deeper meaning to this, and some psychological goodness to this,and maybe even a metaphor for growing up in this. I could really not care less about any of that though, I am just sad that this is what all of that results in. A viewpoint that probably just proves that I do indeed have a Peter Pan problem that I am frequently accused of, and only  occasionally admit to.

I am, however, planning on keeping said life encompassing job for the next couple of years at least. Which leads me to the conclusion that I need to just suck it up, put on my big girl panties, and adjust.

One thing that I am trying to squeeze into this new life dominated by work is my training for the LA Marathon this next year. My friend, Becky, asked me to do it with her, and I am SO glad that she did. I even have a 40 week training plan that I am trying to implement that will get me to marathon distance by the new year - which will be awesome if I can actually get it done! I could mark that off my bucket list, and with a sigh of relief be done with that!

I am not putting this much effort into life for nothing though, obviously, but I actually have a great goal in mind! Last year I was lucky enough to get to do a 9 day kayak trip in La Paz, Mexico. After I got home from that I decided that I needed to actually go places. At least once a year - more if possible.

This year.... 

GREECE!!!!

I am going to hit this deliciously ancient/ modern city at the end of October. Rafting season will be over and I will be basking in the awesomeness that is the off season. What better way to bask than to go to the Mediterranean? I have a couple of friends that are telling me they are going to come with me - but I have a sneaking suspicion that this will be another solo adventure. Which is fine. I should probably get used to that. All of my travelling buddies are getting married or gaining other significant responsibilities. 

I, on the other hand, am going to be getting a tan, seeing awesome wonders, gaining knowledge at the conference I have signed up for, and just plain have the time of my life! 

My long-term goal on that front is to fill my passport before it expires in like 6 years. I am pretty sure that is doable. 

OH JANUS HELP ME!

New Year. New You. New Me. If all of us did everything that we said we would do at the beginning of every year – New Society. I know that I tend to make some pretty lofty goals that, if ever I was to fully implement, would make me into a pretty fantastic person. Even this year, I had set out to make the minimal amount of goals; goals that were attainable, goals that were semi-part of my life already, like three tops. Yea, that did not happen. I am currently at 16 goals for 2014. Even as I sit here looking at my list five days into the year I cannot think of one that would be acceptable to take off. If I was smart I suppose I would just chuck the whole thing, but there is that little part of me that fully believes that I will of course be able to do all of these things that I have said I will.

         
              Interestingly, the tradition of making lofty goals at the New Year is not a new one. The Babylonians would make promises to the Gods at the beginning of the year (the beginning of their year was apparently in March though) to return borrowed objects and pay their debts. Not having the problem of keeping crap I borrow, I can’t say I relate directly, but to me that sounds a lot like the “I will run everyday” promise I like to make.

            Then Julius Caesar aka Roman Empire changed the beginning of the year to January to get the calendar back in sync with the Sun. This is also when the citizens of Rome would pledge themselves to the Emperor. Fun fact: January is named after the God Janus. Janus is the God of gates, doors, and new beginnings. He is depicted with having two faces because through a gate or door he can look both behind him and in front of him. That is where the new beginning thing comes from, because you have to walk through the door to get to somewhere new. It invites the contemplation that we all seem to go through at this time of year.

         
            Revisiting/ analyzing/ un-healthily listing all the things that we see wrong with ourselves is what the tradition has turned into. Janus was a God to be called upon with the new – everything; new day, new baby, new house, new job. He would bless those who called on him to be prosperous in the new undertaking. I wonder what he would say about the resolutions that we all come up with in our modern world. No longer are we happy with good fortune in the endeavors that come to us naturally. Now we (*cough* myself) go out to that proverbial wheat field that is our selves. We have planted, watered, tilled, and weeded this field all year long. We have taken out the plants that are no good, the ones that were beaten down by the storms; we even took the time to plant some new ones in their place – they are small and just learning how to soak up the sun to make themselves strong, but they are there. We go to our fields and we see the growth and say “NOPE, not good enough!” and some of us take a torch to the wheat and watch the flames take out all the plants that suddenly are not what or how we want to be. We don’t want to be wheat farmers, we want to grow banana trees, or something else that is completely different from what we previously had. To make this happen we throw out a few banana tree seeds and hope they fill up the whole field, only to find in the new year that our field is full of wheat again, that we have loved and cared for after the banana trees failed, and we are okay with that for most of the year.

          
           I think that we have so much potential as human beings. There is not nearly enough emphasis on looking back at the year and seeing all the wonderful things that have helped to form you to be who you are at this moment. I envy those that do not buy into the resolution craze every year. I can’t number myself among them, but I think that shows certain strength of character – at least a happiness with one’s being as is.

         
           For myself, the list of accomplishments is short. I started this year living on a resort ranch in nowhere, Arizona. I completed a “Warrior Dash” race, got into college, made some headway with being sure of my spirituality. I took advantage to go on my first real adventure on my own and out of the country and spent a couple weeks in La Paz and Cabo san Lucas, Mexico on a kayak trip. It was beautiful and I am so glad that I went. I cannot wait to go on another adventure. My summer had me in nowhere, Alaska on a remote fishing resort. I was surprised at the changes I found in myself while I was on that small island. Being there makes me think that sometimes I am supposed to be in certain places at certain times to meet certain people. Then came September, and I moved to Portland, Oregon. Finishing off my year with a sense of rejection and wasted money and effort, and hoping that, in my limited view, I am missing the good this is doing for me. Ending my year on such a depressing note probably has not helped me with my intentions to burn down my own field, but part of me just wants a chance to better plan the planting of the new wheat.

         
           Most of my personal goals for the year consist of exercise and weight loss. A new twist for me is that I am going to be actively pursuing my writing. That means book clubs, writing groups, and, of course, a new blog to document my efforts. It is called Scratches or Scribbles and you can access it on one of the page tabs on the top of this blog.

A whole new year has been opened up to the world to be screwed up and twisted into a confusing ball of ups, downs, victories, depressions, hormones, and probably (for me) a few moves. As I am thinking to myself now how I plan to concur the mountain that is 2014, I am hoping and praying that I will come out the other side without too much scarring, a fertile wheat field, and maybe - if I am lucky - a banana tree or two.

Places I found some of my information:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Year's_resolution
http://billpetro.com/history-of-new-years-resolutions
http://phys.org/news/2013-12-ancient-traditions-year-resolutions.html
http://www.novareinna.com/festive/janus.html

The Inner Circle of Life

It is still a bit of a mystery to me how my friends come into my life. The best of them, the ones I would consider to be my inner circle, were almost immediate. They all have similar stories: we would meet in various ways, be aware of each other but have no real interaction, and then one day we hang out and never stop - not really. It is instinct. I am not a believer in fate, no choice in the things that happen in my life. But, the automatic way that these people entered my life, like it was supposed to be, unquestionably going to happen - is enough to make me think twice about Fate.

I do believe that we are meant to meet certain people, but it is always up to us how that meeting turns out, how we let them effect us in life. For me, it has turned into how I let them effect my interaction with other people.

I noticed about a week or so ago that I am alone for a good portion of my day, everyday. It took me so long to even think about it because I talk to one or two of my best friends every-single-day. They just happen to all live in different states than I do. Which is also why my being alone doesn't bother me. 

I choose to give my friends power. 

Maybe it is because I am an introvert who has very few actual friends. When I say friends, I mean that a friend be classified as someone who knows things about you because you tell them, and that you hang out with them because you actually like them. These are the people I would take a bullet for. I have one friend who I went to visit and we ended up spending two nights in her apartment doing not a lot except hanging out with each other and talking, because I missed her, because we were true friends. 

My circle of friends is small, but they have such a huge affect on me that I am starting to wonder if it would be smarter to add people to it. The fewer people that have an opinion I actually care about - the more those opinions actually matter. 

I am so thankful for the people that I am fortunate enough to have in my life, in that inner circle. It is a relief when someone actually understands my kind of crazy.

\

NEON RUN 2013!!!!!

I love doing these fun runs! When I signed up for this one I was actually planning on doing it by myself, but then a couple of weeks ago my brother, Jacob, decided to sign up himself and his son, Kayden. So, I had people to hang out with while I was there... 

I was stupid and didn't take my camera on the actual run... silly Tamera... next time

This is Kayden while we are all getting decked out in our glowing gear

This is my niece, Payton, she got a glowing wand

This is Keaton , nephew, he did not run, but he was loving the neon body paint!

This is my brother, Jacob, and his wife, Karen. Not sure why Jacob is giving a stink face.

Here we are pre-race.. the boys are very intense.

Yea.. that's me

Everyone lined up to start the race

Kayden after he finished ... embarrassingly faster than I did

Kayden and I after

The three runners! Yea.. I had on neon nail polish just for the occasion

Jacob photo bombing me and looking a bit like a ghost coming out of no where with no arms

The smoky area is where they had the stage and the DJ

The finish line!!!

My time ... it's embarrassing really.... but oh so fun!!!

Exactly Where I Want To Be

(October 1, 2013 - Photo of the Day)

Have you ever looked up from what you were doing to suddenly realize that you were in fact very grateful to be exactly where you were in that moment? To not want to be anywhere else at all? Today I had that feeling. In my ever snaking path of life I find myself in school once again, and at one point I looked up from my walking in the “quad” (for lack of a better word) and could not think of any place I would rather be at that moment then on that path, on my way to class. Which, quite frankly, was a bit of a shock to me after the last few days. It seems like every other way I turn my education is just getting in the way of the rest of my life.

Is it worth it?

Is it REALLY worth it?

This education that I have been drilled to believe that I will be a better person for. That I have convinced myself that I will be smarter, more attractive, better paid and an all-around more productive humane being for having finished.  

In the process of pursuing my education I have moved to Portland, Oregon. It’s a good city. But by no means is it a great one, and I have yet to feel any sort of connection to it. There is a blog, a truly fantastic blog that I love, called “Awash with Wonder” by a woman named Shannon. She recently wrote about her feelings toward San Francisco compared to her current city of Orlando, and the language she seemed to share with San Francisco, that she has been to only a few times – but not with Orlando, where she has lived for years now (the post is called “When a city feels like home” if you are interested). I am feeling a bit like that now. Only I have yet to find my true home. Portland and I definitely do not share a common language. We share a respect for what the other has to offer the other, and a few similar interests that keep us entertained. Unfortunately, Portland is my friend who is my friend because we happen to live in the same neighborhood and know some of the same people, but have no real particular interest in the other.

And then I have moments like today.

I am happy here. I am even involved here. I have no job yet – which may be part of the problem – but for once I have moved somewhere new that did not involve a pre-setup plan and I feel like I have a place here. A self-appointed place, but a place all the same. Portland has given me an outlet for all of the things that I have wanted to try over the years that are just not available in those itsy-bitsy towns I have a habit of living in.

My life so far has been a series of hopeful and sometimes glorious starts, very short middles, and sudden and complete stops so that another tangent can be explored. I am in no way prepared to give up my exploring, and feel like it would be dishonest to myself to do so. This City has given me yet another new start, which to the untrained eye may seem pretty par-for-the-course, but in fact is completely different. In everything that is truly embarrassing, I have to admit that I have put and exceptional amount of laziness into my life. I do not mean that I am an inherently lazy person – I always am trying to do something – but no real effort toward my life as a hole. Now, I have to choose to get up at 7am to be to class so that I may eventually get that degree and have something to show for what I am doing. I am joining groups and making long term commitments here. Ones that I would under no circumstances have joined in any other place before now because I knew a head of time that I would be leaving it all behind in just a few short months.

That translates into a few things happening. Those groups I am joining? They are writing groups, and racing groups, and groups that choose a time to dissect fairy tales. I am going to be signing up for Krav Maga here soon. I am making commitments to things that have always been close to my heart, and I find that I love that. When I first planned on moving here I figured it would be for the 9 months of the school year. Take the summers off, help keep the sanity of a very transient person in a very permanent place. I do not think that that is what will be happening now.

Because if, you haven’t noticed, it is when the insanity is at its peak that you look up and find yourself exactly where you want to be.

I Moved to Portland

I moved to Portland, Oregon this week.

I suppose that it really is not any different than any other move I have done in the past. I am leaving behind everything that is normal for me… again. This time, though, is different. This time I am making the move to enter into “normal” society.

When I say that I left everything that I know behind me, I mean a complete change-not just the same job in a different state.

I uprooted everything. I went through every single box that was in my pile of crap in my parent’s garage. I had to find an apartment myself. I bought a bed. A real bed, not just a blow up bed (which for the record I have slept on an air mattress for as long as nine months straight).

I will be finding a real job that will be expecting me to probably stay longer than a “season”. I will be going to a full load of classes that will further my degree and my hopefully my future income. Because, let’s be honest, I really am only returning to school so I can potentially get paid more in the long run.

None of that was going through my mind in the early hours of Friday the Thirteenth though.

Because when it comes down to it, as much as I detest packing all of my stuff up, I LOVE unpacking it all. Suddenly, it is Christmas again – and I am giving myself all of the presents. I get to re-evaluate my life. See what is important to me, what I started and never finished, I remember things that I should always remember, and remember a few things that are painful to bring up.

In my head there is a truly beautiful video montage that plays all the highlights of the last few weeks with very inspirational music talking about being strong, moving on, and being happy.

You should see it – it is awesome.

In a strange turn of events I had the urge to bake some cookies tonight. A sort of christening I suppose. I walked the two blocks to Safeway, got some cookie dough, and came home and baked them. My apartment smelled fantastic. Like a little homeyness in my new home.

I have quite the project ahead of me. That is for sure.

Did I burn the cookies?

Yes, I did

I choose to not take that as a bad omen for my life here though.

I also chose to move onto an ice cream snack

Ice Cream never lets me down

"Learning to Breathe" by Alison Wright

“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break.” – Chinese Proverb

            It is perhaps a stretch to call me a true traveler of the world. I am more a woman with no real sense of, what I would call, relative distance. I make my home where I need to, for the time being, until it is time to move on. I have yet to make a decision on where to live based on where my family is, and this, I think, has given me a bit of a reputation for travel. I rarely go anywhere outside of the town that I am living in at the moment, though and have only been outside of the USA twice. My heart lies in that direction though - To be a true traveler of the world. That coupled with my ever increasing desire to read everything ever written, ever – has sometimes led me to little gem of books like this one, 

“Learning to Breathe” by Alison Wright.

            One of my favorite genera’s of books would be what I have dubbed “Adventure Travel/ Personal Essay”. There is probably a better name for it, somewhere, but this suits me well. Usually, to be in this category the books are about one person’s really long travel adventure to a really cool place around the globe. They take place in a time span of anywhere between a couple of weeks to about four years tops. The writer/adventurer gives a good story about what happened and what they were thinking at the time, but mostly just crazy people that they met on the way. (See “Girl’s Guide to Getting Lost” for a great example and another one of my favorites.) This book goes a step further. That step is why this book will be on my bookshelf of favorites and books to give to other people for a very long time. 

Let me explain:

            Alison Wright is a photo journalist. She has a soft spot for children and South East Asia. One day while on a bus in Laos she is in a terrible accident. Her organs were in the incorrect places and she could not walk for a very long time. She does not want to give up her old life of travel, adventure, and fun though (I mean, who would?) and so against her initial Doctor’s opinion she does exactly that. This book is a memoir of her journey to recovery, and even achieving her goal to summit Mount Kilimanjaro on her fortieth birthday. It was inspirational to read. While I cannot truly or fully empathize with her, I could see the direction she was coming from just from things that have happened in my own life. Sadly, I have found myself devastatingly wanting in my life since a couple of huge accidents that had my guardian angels working double-time. But, that is a different blog post.

            The step farther that Alison takes in her book is the spiritual one. I can tell from reading this that she is a deeply spiritual person, and that that side of things was just as important as overcoming the physical limitations that she suddenly had in her life. Maybe it is because I have been witness to this in my own life so recently, but she talks about how some things happened to her because the right person just so happened to be in the right place at the right time. How, through a courageous journey she has come out the other side with more clarity than she ever imagined before this happened to her.

            I recommend this book to EVERYONE. Alison will take you through this time in her life in a way that has you questioning your own purpose on this spinning rock, and whether or not you are fulfilling that purpose.

            I am coming away from it a better woman for reading it, and I believe that in most cases it would be a benefit to your life to read it as well. Although I do have to warn you that it gave me the travel bug bad, so be prepared for that.

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“It had taken finding a stillness within myself to realize the answer to my question of why I had survived: for this breath. To be truly aware of each precious moment of time, right here, right now. For this very moment is all we have”

“We were all in this together, all companions in the pilgrimage of life.”

-Excerpts from Learning to Breathe

AA : Realities in Island Life

I think that I expected too much from this place and time. In a way this island has been a breath of fresh air in my system. Giving me the moment that I needed to catch my breath. I was still expecting to have more of an ADVENTURE though, and the fact that I have not is a bit depressing.

Which brings me to a few things that I have learned since being here....

1: The adventure is in your outlook on things. I came to a fishing resort and not only have I not gone fishing even once - but I have no desire to go. So when the only activities I do involve me hiking two whole miles to a small waterfall, I must find my own adventures. 

2: No matter where I ever live - the night is still my favorite time of day. It is a universal truth in my little world of wandering.

3: Like attracts like. This is something that I really should have figured out by now but it has really taken this long to sink in I suppose. But to be surrounded by awesome people, you have to be awesome. You have to be the intelligent, well read, active person you want to have around you.

4: There is a reason for me to be in certain places and meeting certain people where ever I go. This truth has never been more poignantly expressed to me than here in this island in the middle of nowhere. To know that the choice to come here brought me to someone who has changed my life for the rest of my life. Even if the most unfortunate of happenings occurred and I was to never see this man again after he steps on the float plane back to California - I will still have experienced this summer with him and have had the conversations we have. Out of all the times that I listened to God, the universe, my gut- whatever you want to call it- I will be eternally grateful that I listened this time.

5: You can never assume anything about anyone. They will always surprise you. I have found here a melting pot of people that has surpassed the wide variety that I have met in my travels so far. I have my usual misfits and travels and then I have people who have tried and failed at life in some way and are now picking themselves back up. They surprise me on a daily basis and in their own way they show me that humanity is going in the general right direction. 

6: I really suck at guessing people's age. This is now a concrete truth for me and I will no longer even attempt to guess anymore.

My season her is almost over. I feel in this moment that even though I will most likely not be returning to this place as I had hoped in the beginning, I will never regret the coming.

"The Good Girl's Guide To Getting Lost" by: Rachel Friedman

I loved this book!

I will say now that I recommend it to anyone and everyone. 

Beware: The probability of catching the travel bug is high.

"The Good Girl's Guide to Getting Lost" by Rachel Friedman was a fantastic distraction from my current very sedentary life. It is the story of how Rachel found her way in the world.. while seeing the world. 

(This is a video of one of her book signings)

I am a self proclaimed junkie when it comes to what I like to call "adventure travel" books. But most of the ones that I come across are written by people who are lucky enough to have made travel their careers or have had a successful career already and with a healthy nest egg in hand are emerging into the world. 

What I loved about this book was that she is basically broke.. and new to everything. 

I probably relate to her on some level that even I (in my gypsy ways) don't want to admit to. 

This is the description that is on her website:

Rachel Friedman has always been the consummate good girl who does well in school and plays it safe, so the college grad surprises no one more than herself when, on a whim (and in an effort to escape impending life decisions), she buys a ticket to Ireland, a place she has never visited. There she forms an unlikely bond with a free-spirited Australian girl, a born adventurer who spurs Rachel on to a yearlong odyssey that takes her to three continents, fills her life with new found friends, and gives birth to a previously unrealized passion for adventure.

As her journey takes her to Australia and South America, Rachel discovers and embraces her love of travel and unlocks more truths about herself than she ever realized she was seeking. Along the way, the erstwhile good girl finally learns to do something she's never done before: simply live for the moment.

Again: I recommend this book to everyone. 

And maybe plan a trip of your own

Potentials

I have been thinking of the mere existence of potential quite a bit the last few days.

It all started on Sunday. I went to church, something that is happening with more frequency and willingness in the last few weeks, and during Sacrament meeting (it's the equivallant to mass for all the non-Mormons that may stumble upon this page) and I was taking the sacrament (it's like communion - minus the wine) when I started to think about Christ. Now just in case you happen to be reading this and are not a christian... I think it will still be interesting... just bear with me.

So, the entire purpose to taking the sacrament is to remember Christ and his sacrifice to the world. Admittedly, I am generally not very good at this task. I can be seen doing everything from writing in my journal about something unrelated to staring at one of the babies that sits in front of me to entertain myself.

I, for once, was able to focus on the task at hand though. Christ and the infinite atonement that allows us to return to our Heavenly Father. I just kept thinking of all the doors that are opened up to us because of this sacrifice.

(Here is where we lapse into the gospel according to Tami and should never be taken as official LDS doctrine):

Because of this sacrifice, we are lifted from the previously insurmountable task of actually paying in full for every sin we make. All those pesky sacrifices and laws that quite frankly would have gotten very old, very quickly.

I, for one, am not quite able to imagine a world where we were bound by such things.

I also see a world limited. Thinking about it now, and most likely this is just a window into where I currently am mentally, I can not even describe how we would be limited. It is more a feeling of dread to be living under such drastic and intense rule.

it is as though this sacrifice not only opened the heavens to us, but the Earth as well. I wonder if we would still have the same cultures and divisions as we do now. Would we have the opportunities that we do now.

The world as a hole was given a second chance to become what they wished to be.. the best of what they could, would, and should be.

(Here is where any non-Christians can jump on... I promise no more talk of Christ)



POTENTIAL

No matter where you may believe we get it, or acquire it, or find it inside of ourselves - there is always that fact that we are never fully living up to it.

We can always be more, see more, love more, do more, experience more.

In my day of thinking of this I came up with an EXTREMELY LONG list of things I should be doing, that I am not. It was really kind of sad. My list of things that I already doing was pretty much narrowed down to two things: 1.I am a nice/good person 95% of the time and 2: I keep a journal.

There is so much more to this life. A continuance of learning and growth that helps us to achieve that height that we all want to be at.

The task of goal setting seemed the most appropriate sort of way to help myself achieve this potential I seek so wantonly after. The fact that I have yet to actually finish any goal ever has yet to really become important. The point is to change and become better. Maybe my penchant for falling off the wagon will change in the process.

Black Jack - Me Against the Dealer

(This is Linn. She taught me everything I know.)

So, as the good little Mormon girl that I was raised to be, I was not really ever exposed to gambling. The church itself frowns on anything having to do with gambling, even to the extent of not taking tithes from your winnings. This definitely limited my exposure to gambling to mostly things like Oreo cookies and SweetTarts. I have accidentally won the $50 pot playing some Texas Hold'em with the cowboys working at the first Guest Ranch I worked at. It was pretty much a fluke, as I had no idea what I was doing really, and none of them talked to me for a couple days. Needless to say, I was no longer welcome to play in their tournaments  I was welcome to watch though... someone had to heckle and keep the mood light. Looking back I have to say that the only reason I won was because no one noticed I was winning until the last few hands. I also think I was a better liar back then.

My relatively sheltered existence has been opened up yet again, and it was opened up to the game of blackjack. My fun loving GM here at Rancho de los Caballeros had a left over beer keg.. most likely from a group... that was going bad. What does one do when you have a bunch of beer you need to get rid of? You set up a casino night for your employees of course!

What is casino night, you ask?

My GM found a company that would come and set up tables and teach everyone how to play these games. We had blackjack, craps, Texas  hold'em, and roulette. My friends and I were pretty much accidentally smart enough to go directly to the black jack table.

Where Linn was waiting.

Linn taught all us new comers how to play this awesome game! Basically, It is you against the dealer and despite my youthful games of "21" the point is not always to get to 21. I learned about bust cards and that you should usually only split your hand for A's and 8's. I learned about doubling down, but never really got any real money out of doing it. I stood at that table for 2 hours straight. I have seen all of the gambling shows that show people staying at a table for an entire day, and I finally understand how that can happen.

I did briefly try my hand at roulette.... oh how I failed with a flourish at that. I was there for a total of probably five minutes and lost almost a thousand dollars. I moved back to my new favorite game for the last twenty minutes of the night and won most of it back.

You lost a thousand dollars?!?!

The best part of this evening was that none of it was real money.

We started out with a thousand dollars in chips and were supposed to go from there. The point to this other than playing and having fun was that we could "buy" some of the swag that we sell at our gift shop. I now have yet another water bottle, and traveling coffee cup, and T-shirt, and bandanna. All of which have the company logo on them.

I have to admit though... I probably won't be trying to win my yearly rent money in Vegas anytime soon.

My Past On My Person

I currently work at a grocery store bakery. It is not a hard job. I take bread and other baked goods that someone else bakes, and I put them into various plastic containers. At 4, 5, and 6 o'clock I do bake four whole loafs of french bread.

My most recent former job was at the front desk of a four diamond hotel in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. There was a lot of office work, major customer service, and some days there was even more problem solving tied to both of those. By the time I left I was very good at my job. I had my manager giving me indirect offers of promotion or raises. They changed in details every time. It was good to know that I was liked and wanted there. I also had guests telling me I was very diplomatic. That I should run for government office. Aww... if only they could tell from my smile that I was really just trying to get them away from my desk.

The point of all this, you ask? Well, I had a lady come up to me in the bakery today asking for the date. That was it. The date. From that I had this conversation (well, general conversation. I didn't memorize the thing):

Woman: "Where did you work before you worked here?"

Me: "I worked at the front desk of a hotel."

Woman: "I knew it! I knew you did not look like you belonged in a grocery store."

Me thinking: "really, could you tell that from my awesome apron?"

Me saying: "I did work there for a long time."

Woman: "You look good in suits, you naturally look professional."

*then she proceeded to talk to me about how she is from New York and she can tell right away that I belong in an office. That I look like an accountant. That I am a special person. then there was something about things with-in coming out, but how things with-out can not come in... yea she went in a loop on this one for a while.

It was both strange and strangely complimentary. As someone who has worked in customer service for most of my adult life I have never thought of one job being over another. I still don't. Quite frankly, this woman is someone who I usually make fun of in my head for being too arrogant. I don't think she understood that a front desk agent was only half office work and all customer service.

This short encounter got me thinking.

How much of my past is on my person at all times? When I think about who I used to be, and who I have become I see a much different woman. I see only me, as I am now. What do other people see though? I suppose the most one can do is put "the best foot forward" as they say. Plus, a little glimpse into my past by interpreting my present behaviors has a certain amount of fun to me.

*What made this a little funnier for me, was when not three minutes later I was thirsty and instead of taking the time to walk across the store and up the stairs to get a drink in the break room, I decided to go and drink directly from the faucet. Yep- the epidemy of professionalism RIGHT HERE.

An Integral Step

I have the awesome and wonderful opportunity as part of my mission preparation to get my endowments out tonight in the Seattle, Washington LDS Temple. I can not even begin to express the thoughts and feelings going through me right now. I can not get my mind to turn off! I just keep thinking of how much I am about to learn.

My heart is bursting with a testimony of Jesus Christ and the atonement that he enabled for every person on Earth to return to our Heavenly Father and have eternal life. How Joseph Smith is a true prophet that spoke with God the Father and His son Jesus Christ in the Sacred Grove. That Joseph Smith carried out instructions to bring the true and restored gospel back on Earth in the Latter Days. That the true priesthood was restored with Joseph Smith. That we still are given that living prophet in President Thomas S. Monson is something that makes my soul sing, because I know that My Father in Heaven is with us and guiding us.

I get to spread that restored gospel to whom ever will listen to me in the Denver, Colorado mission. I am so excited to have that chance. My going to the temple is an integral step in full filling this newly acquired goal - well relatively newly acquired.

I keep thinking of the peace and the love I feel when I am in the Temple. I have amazingexperiences when I am there already and this will open up so much more for me.

The truly amazing thing is that not to long ago the idea of going through the Temple freaked me out big time. We have entire classes for preparing someone to take this step. I attempted to take one - I got half way through before I had a small panic attack and refused to ever go again. It was not until very recently that I got over that. I continually get confirmation that this is the best thing for me.

"My brothers and sisters, temples are more than stone and mortar. They are filled with faith and fasting. They are built of trials and testimonies. They are sanctified by sacrifice and service."-Thomas S. Monson

The Glass Is ALWAYS Half Full

I stopped my life briefly. A blink of the eye really... if you think about it. I stopped my life in order to get on with it. And so far all that decision has done is bite me in the ass. I happen to be a generally optimistic person however, and have managed to keep a little hope alive.

I made the decision to take the leap I mentioned many many months ago on here to go on a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I got my call (assignment) a couple of weeks ago. I will be reporting to the MTC (mission training center) in Provo, Utah on April 25, 2012 to go to the Denver, Colorado South mission. It is basically anything west of Denver except for a little at the bottom.

The kicker is this - I am over weight by any bodies standards. Because of this I have to lose about 20 pounds before the Church will let me go out. They don't say this, but I am pretty sure they are just covering themselves because while I am out on my mission I am on the Church's insurance. Fair Enough, I say.

The thing is... it isn't really working. I joined a gym again - and I even go almost every day.

I suppose this is me wining about the half of the glass that is empty.

But HERE'S THE THING:

I know that I am doing the thing that I want to do. I am doing the thing that the Lord wants me to do.

Part of life is knowing when you need to be somewhere and actually being there. I believe in having a purpose in life - that we all have many things that we specifically need to do.

I know in my heart that I need to be on that Mission. I have no doubt in my mind that at least one person will be all the better for knowing me. I may be unsure about right now. I may feel like I am pretty much useless. The important thing is that I am not unsure about later.

What will happen to me if I am unable to get the weight off in time? They don't let me go, most likely. They at least will tell me that I need to re-apply only when I have the weight off. Which, if I am completely honest with my internet abyss, most likely would never happen. This is a one time deal for me. Unless some future husband wants to go on a mission with me. So, that would ultimately mean I have a chance to get my full life back. I would start looking at schools and scholarships. I would be looking for serious jobs that have futures and full hours. I would be looking at savings accounts and study abroad programs. I would move out of my parent's house as soon as humanly possible, because as much as I love them both - I AM WAY TOO OLD TO BE LIVING HERE.

Basically, I would get on with my life.

What would happen if I did get my goal? My life would stay on hold. I would go on my mission. I would learn what it is that I am supposed to be learning there.

Basically, I would expand my life.

And that makes all the difference.

Singularity

A New Year. Usually about this time I am making lists, contemplating the year just ending, and planning out the year to come.

So far.... all of my lists are short ones.

2011: -stayed at a job in a town I should have left for more than a year

-finally moved out of that same town just a couple of months ago

-finished up getting my mission papers put together

2012: -Go on a Mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

- Loose 100 lbs (what can I say... at the moment I am a statistic)

My usual lists are generally several pages in length. I try to be optimistic, but really just end up making myself semi-depressed and semi-overly determined. This has proved to be an unhealthy combination in past years indeed, but it's my hope that that will all change this year.

It helps that the lists were short.

Today I chose to focus instead on the "newness" of it all.

I love the newness of things. It breathes a new spirit into a morning. The possibility of anything and everything (be they good or bad) happening in any year, month, day, hour, minute, or second is addictive. It's like ambrosia.

This year I do not want it to be about what I want to happen, but about being ready for and embracing what does happen.

In the LDS religion one of the things that we believe is that this life is only one part of a larger plan of our Heavenly Father. It is my opinion that one must truly experience this life to truly pass the test.

This life is a singular experience.