Singularity

A New Year. Usually about this time I am making lists, contemplating the year just ending, and planning out the year to come.

So far.... all of my lists are short ones.

2011: -stayed at a job in a town I should have left for more than a year

-finally moved out of that same town just a couple of months ago

-finished up getting my mission papers put together

2012: -Go on a Mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

- Loose 100 lbs (what can I say... at the moment I am a statistic)

My usual lists are generally several pages in length. I try to be optimistic, but really just end up making myself semi-depressed and semi-overly determined. This has proved to be an unhealthy combination in past years indeed, but it's my hope that that will all change this year.

It helps that the lists were short.

Today I chose to focus instead on the "newness" of it all.

I love the newness of things. It breathes a new spirit into a morning. The possibility of anything and everything (be they good or bad) happening in any year, month, day, hour, minute, or second is addictive. It's like ambrosia.

This year I do not want it to be about what I want to happen, but about being ready for and embracing what does happen.

In the LDS religion one of the things that we believe is that this life is only one part of a larger plan of our Heavenly Father. It is my opinion that one must truly experience this life to truly pass the test.

This life is a singular experience.

No Sleep.... No Sleep

It has been a long time since I have had this hard of time sleeping. I slept maybe a total of four hours last night, and not even continuously. Tonight I tried to go to bed at 10pm and I find myself on the wrong side of 1am... still awake.

It is one of those annoying awakes too. I feel tired. I know I am tired. I know that I am going to be useless at work tomorrow. Yet I can not make myself sleep. On top of that I keep making lists. Lists of things I need to pack, things I need to pick up from the store, things I need to take to work, and things I need to buy so that I can move. I have to rent things, and find things, and give away things. I have to clean things. I have to negotiate things. I have to worry about things because my entire immediate future hinges on the belief that I will be going on a mission, even though it is taking forever to get my act in gear.

Too many things, TOO MANY THINGS! All rushing, all immediate, all pretty unimportant when I step back and look at the situation from a different angle.

I just want to sleep

It's hard not to change my mind

For the first time in a long time I am moving forward again in life. That may sound weird to some- but to me it is a relief. You see, I am what some would call a wonderer. I moved every nine months to somewhere new. No connections, no family, no clubs, nothing.

Than I let myself fall into the Hole. I did not even notice it happening at first. When I finally did notice I skipped out of town with bells on back home. Home's always nice but then I had a job that was slowly sucking my soul from my body. And as it turned out...I missed the Hole.

So I found the fist job that offered employee housing and loaded up my car and was out. That was nice but one can only take being in the middle of nowhere for so long.

Comense a year of questionable choices and the only good thing that came out of it was me having the opportunity to help care for my Grandmother in the last months of her life.

That is one thing that I will never regret.

I still missed the Hole though and so about a year and a half of being gone I found my way back.

However, I have stayed too long and am now finally on my way out.

The plan is to go on a mission for my church. But I find myself every day coming up with other options. I have to re-convince my self almost everyday that it was my idea and I really do want to go.

I guess the hardest times are when I get together with friends and they tell me all about their recent plans for the future. My mind goes into overdrive, and all of a sudden I am wanting to do ten things at once and trying to figure out exactly how to swing that.

I suppose I am a little ADD on my decision making processes.

"Wicked Appetite" Book Review

"Wicked Appetite" By: Janet Evanovich

I get in these moods some days, usually at the beginning of a new season, when I just want to immerse myself in something of the season. Sometimes this can last just a few hours, a few days, or like Christmas - the entire season.

A few days ago I had one of these urges, this time for Halloween.

I am NOT into the holiday as much as a lot of my friends are. I like scary stories, and going to scary places. I like freaking other people out, and honestly I like getting freaked out.

I like the history behind the holiday, and the different ways that it has evolved over the centuries.

I could not care less about dressing up or going to huge parties. I will, but rarely take notice if i don't happen to make it to something like that.

When I felt like being Halloween-ish a few days ago I ended up at home with a new book (this one) three Halloween magazines, three books from the library about the pagan Halloween, and a DVD about the history.

Luckily, it took me a couple days to get to the book.

This book is not about Halloween - at all.

I have read a few of Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum novels, and this new series has the same kind of antics.

I loved it. They border on the outrageous. She is a baker, specialty in cupcakes (which by-the-way had me craving friggin cupcakes for like three days now. I shall probably go and make carrot cupcakes when I get home from work).

She gets stuck between two cousins who both have exceptional abilities, and both are using her to help them find some things they need.

They end up getting help from an aspiring witch (who isn't that great), a monkey (who acts more like a human than a monkey, but has the manners of a monkey), and a cat (who never gets a real name, has a glass eye, and may or may not really be a ninja).

I don't want to spoil it, so I won't reveal more than that. It is worth the buy though.

Evanovich definitely stands up to her already stellar literary reputation.

Locks of Love

I have had long hair since I attended Gateway Middle School. If I remember correctly it was the seventh grade. For all those that don't know how old I am that was about twelve years ago.

A few days ago my friend Cate made an appointment for us to go over to Rexburg, ID and get our hair cut together.

Last night, while entertaining myself at work I decided something.... I was going to chop off my hair. Maybe.

The original idea was to get it cut to just below my shoulders. OH BUT WAIT.... I forgot the cardinal rule of telling the cosmetologist to cut about three inches longer than you actually want.

On the upside no I can donate what she did end up taking to Locks of Love so that some little kid will be able to have some hair. Accidental, but still a worthy cause.

Now I can't stop touching my hair. Every few minutes I am running my hand through the very very short locks. I did not realize how much I play with my hair until now. There is substantially less to play with now. Poor hair.... all chopped off..... all the pretty hair chopped off.

100 Days without SNOW

100 DAYS. That was it. Our Summer season in Jackson Wyoming was apparently only good for 100 DAYS.

It all started Yesterday afternoon. I was at work (I work at the front desk of a hotel in Teton Village) and I looked out of the front entrance windows. Expecting to see clouds and rain.... instead I found clouds and fog and SNOW.

We just got out of a record breaking winter season. For the first time in history the entire mountain opened on opening day of ski season.

It was still snowing here in June.

Now, don't get me wrong here.... I was never expecting an overly long Fall. A long Fall at all was really never an expectation.

It has only been Fall for about two weeks though.

The leaves have not even all fallen off the trees.

Gold, Green, and White is more depressing than beautiful to me.
When it snows, the world seems shorter. In the mountain valley in particular. The clouds just sit on the tops of our heads. One does not have to go very far at all to touch them.

And then the morning came..... and I woke up to this.....

While pretty... in October, again, this is just depressing to me.

I was desperately hoping to get out of Jackson before the snow season started.

EPIC FAIL

It is kind of quaint though..... If I really think about it.... admittedly.... and mostly grudgingly.

It's Official !!!!!

I am – as of two days ago – down to one job again. This does three things for me.

1. I get less money. Always sad.
2. I have more free time. I finally have time to go to Yellowstone. In all the collective years I have lived here I have never been. Yesterday I went. How sweet is that?
3. This is way better for my diet. Being surrounded by lots of really yummy ice cream twice a week was NOT beneficial in that area.

I now have lots of time to worry about working out the final logistics for moving and the mission. Yea for that.

"The Wednesday Letters" Book Review

"The Wednesday Letters" By: Jason F. Write

I really enjoyed this book. When I had initially heard about it I was told it was about siblings that find letters that their Father wrote to their Mother over the years. Quite honestly, that is the gist of the plot. But, as with every book, it was how they found them and how they dealt with the revelations in them that made all the difference.

This book has all the great attributes of a high functioning dis-functional family. There is lost loves, and sibling rivalries. There are tempers and dreams not quite reached. It starts with a marriage that lasted 39 years to only end with them dying on the same night. The weekend of their funerals thier three children find the Love letters thier Dad wrote to thier Mom every week on Wednesday. Oh the revelations found in those letters!

This would definately go under the "heart warming" catagory I think. It is not a long read, and I would say it is completely worth it.

9/11 Remembered

Today we as a nation remembered what happened to us a decade ago. We remembered the lives lost, the sacrifices given during and afterward, and the change that has subsequently come over EVERYONE since that day.

I remember I was on my way to early morning seminary. I remember that we did not learn anything that day in school. I remember being angry.

After a watching a few really inspirational and depressing memorial shows on TV in a Days Inn in St George, Utah I remembered something else... Life goes on.

My friend Jennie got married on Saturday in the St George temple. What a beautiful thing. I only got to attend the reception, but it was gorgeous and one could tell that they loved each other.

Two people start a life together, and the next day we are reminded of the horror that overtook our country. In a time when the war abroad is still being questioned I got to see the reason why we have to try so much harder to make sure that it never happens again. I am so thankful on this day for those that guard our shores against further attack. I am happy still that Bin Laden is dead. As one of the majority in this country that enjoy the beauties of freedom without actually having to fight for it myself, I appreciate those that do for me.

Mostly, I remember the pain that was caused ten years ago, and that we got through it. We continue to get through it. To thrive and continue growing from the ashes. Maybe this is the best retaliation. To show those that hate us for be us that they can not keep us down, we will stand again, we will fight, we are up for the challenge.

My friend Cate recently read a book by Jim Butcher, it was one of the Harry Dresden books, and she told me about a line in it. (*don't worry book lovers, this does not ruin any plots) Harry is learning how to do magic. He is fooling around and gets reprimanded by his teacher. I have not read it so do not know the exact phrases used, but in the process of reprimanding him he tells Harry that mediocrity is the worst fate for a person, and something to the effect of you have to choose to be exceptional. I'm sure Jim Butcher was much more inspirational about it. But it got Cate thinking, and in turn has gotten me thinking as well.

This country is full of extraordinary people. People from all walks of life, and every corner of the land. A great deal of them lost their lives ten years ago today, and more loose their lives everyday in a far away land that probably ends with -stan. They fight for our freedoms. They fight for our right to become extraordinary people and make a difference in our own way.

There is beauty in that I think.... we continue to live, to thrive, to get married, and go to school.

We continue, this is my constant tribute to those that fight, to make a difference in this world they keep free for us.

Courage

I went and saw a movie tonight. "The Help". It was a movie about courage.

Coming home from the movie I thought to myself how I need a little more of that in my life. To take those chance that I have been putting off because maybe I won't be successful, or someone won't like me.

The funny thing about this is that I have a friend - a best friend - who always comes home from movies like this one, movies that inspire and move you, and has some fantastic idea about a story she wants to write. It usually follows a similar plot line, but is fun to hear her tweak it. Most of them I think that if she ever actually put them down on her computer she would find the plot changing and becoming original. The point though is that I am usually laughing a little inside at her because of this, and here I am coming home from a movie and suddenly having the inkling to change my entire life.

Example #1:

I am LDS. It has been mentioned a few times on this blog. For those that have been living in a hole though, it is the shortened term for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. One can see why it was shortened. Our nickname in the world is "Mormons"- even if it is not really accurate. (I had the history behind that nickname explained to me once. It involved maps and an hour or explanation, so I will save you from that. I came out of it though never using the term unless I really had to.)

As a member of my church the young people have an opportunity to go out on missions and spread the good word. You may have seen them. Always in two's and three's. The men wear suites and the women wear dresses. They may have come to your door proselyting.

Unlike many of the girls I grew up with, I really had no inclination to go on a mission myself until about three years ago. I decided then that I wanted to go after all - well sometimes I wanted to go, sometimes I wanted to say "screw it" and get on with my life.

Mostly though what has been convieniantly holding me back is the debt that I managed to get myself into a couple of years into collage. I have a lot of student loans to pay back. If I am completely honest though, I have to say it was fear. I like to be good at things, and when I am not I usually find a way out of them. I am not good at cooking. I have managed to have way to many room mates who are willing to cook for me more than they probably should have. I also seem to have forgotten all of the basic stuff my mother did manage to get in my head growing up. just ask my Aunt Shari - She loves telling people about some of my attempts at cooking she has witnessed. On a mission I would not have that luxury. The luxury of just being able to leave - not not cooking. I would have to stick it out for eighteen months. I couldn't come home early, because lets be honest and say how AWKWARD that is to try to explain to people back home why you couldn't hack it for the full amount of time.

"What if I get sent to a foreign language mission and am never able to learn the language?" I am telling my self. "What am I going to do if it turns out that I am not a good enough member at the moment and the church rejects me?" I am and always maybe have been the sweet girl that most people like, but no one knows that I am LDS until I tell them. I am not an obvious member of the church. I know obvious members, and they usually annoy me. I usually find them self righteous, and in my judgement it makes me self righteous. This has not escaped me, but so far can not be helped. Even with that opinion of some of the members of the church that I love and believe in what they teach with my whole being, I still think that I would be absolutely crushed to get a "thanks, but no thanks" letter in the mail. It's like applying to collage. Instead of applying to individual universities though, it's like you apply to just go. The collage that wants you sends you a letter and a start date. You want the big packet to come in the mail. The small letter is still a bad sign.

Tonight I am thinking to myself "what if you are great? what if you can learn the language? what if the experiences and singular view point that you bring to the table are exactly the thing that someone out there that you meet needs? what if the church is just waiting on you to get your act together? What if this is something you are SUPPOSED to do and that big welcome packet is just waiting on someone's desk somewhere?

Example #2 - Writing

As it so happens, I am a writer. Growing up I had the usual childhood dreams of being a movie star, or a circus worker, or a fighter pilot. In between those dreams was always to be a writer.

I am fairly good. Not professional by any stretch of the imagination. I am better than a few, and not nearly where I need to be to be published.

I give myself excuses for not going further with that dream. I don't have time - I don't have good ideas- My attention span is really not conducive to the amount of work and focus that goes into writing a book.

There are also always those nagging questions in my mind of "what if I never write anything worth reading?" "what if I am just a laughing stock?" "what if I fail?"

All valid questions to me even now. I only have an associate degree. As much as I love books and learning, I HATED school. I have a lot to learn still about writing. I have a lot to learn still...period.

But tonight.... "what if I am great?" "what if I help to inspire someone, the way that literature sometimes can?" "what if I succeed and all of my dreams come true?"

Tonight I have a fire in my heart. I can tell myself that I am going to do these things, that I am a pansy to even think of not doing them. Tomorrow the insecurities and doubts will return. It is basic human nature to have them, I think ( the only thing I really took away from my one psyc class was how to train a baby chick in half an hour). As someone who thinks that there is a dark and a light, a good and an evil, God and Satan - those insecurities just feed his power over us.

There is freedom in choice. Fear has the power to take that choice away from us sometimes.

I suppose I enjoy my freedom too much to let this go on for much longer.

plus...

what if I succeed?