Have you ever looked up from what you were doing to suddenly
realize that you were in fact very grateful to be exactly where you were in
that moment? To not want to be anywhere else at all? Today I had that feeling.
In my ever snaking path of life I find myself in school once again, and at one
point I looked up from my walking in the “quad” (for lack of a better word) and
could not think of any place I would rather be at that moment then on that
path, on my way to class. Which, quite frankly, was a bit of a shock to me
after the last few days. It seems like every other way I turn my education is
just getting in the way of the rest of my life.
Is it worth it?
Is it REALLY worth it?
This education that I have been drilled to believe that I
will be a better person for. That I have convinced myself that I will be smarter,
more attractive, better paid and an all-around more productive humane being for
having finished.
In the process of pursuing my education I have moved to
Portland, Oregon. It’s a good city. But by no means is it a great one, and I
have yet to feel any sort of connection to it. There is a blog, a truly
fantastic blog that I love, called “Awash with Wonder” by a woman named
Shannon. She recently wrote about her feelings toward San Francisco compared to
her current city of Orlando, and the language she seemed to share with San
Francisco, that she has been to only a few times – but not with Orlando, where
she has lived for years now (the post is called “When a city feels like home”
if you are interested). I am feeling a bit like that now. Only I have yet to
find my true home. Portland and I definitely do not share a common language. We
share a respect for what the other has to offer the other, and a few similar
interests that keep us entertained. Unfortunately, Portland is my friend who is
my friend because we happen to live in the same neighborhood and know some of
the same people, but have no real particular interest in the other.
And then I have moments like today.
I am happy here. I am even involved here. I have no job yet –
which may be part of the problem – but for once I have moved somewhere new that
did not involve a pre-setup plan and I feel like I have a place here. A
self-appointed place, but a place all the same. Portland has given me an outlet
for all of the things that I have wanted to try over the years that are just
not available in those itsy-bitsy towns I have a habit of living in.
My life so far has been a series of hopeful and sometimes
glorious starts, very short middles, and sudden and complete stops so that
another tangent can be explored. I am in no way prepared to give up my
exploring, and feel like it would be dishonest to myself to do so. This City
has given me yet another new start, which to the untrained eye may seem pretty
par-for-the-course, but in fact is completely different. In everything that is
truly embarrassing, I have to admit that I have put and exceptional amount of laziness
into my life. I do not mean that I am an inherently lazy person – I always am
trying to do something – but no real effort toward my life as a hole.
Now, I have to choose to get up at 7am to be to class so that I may eventually
get that degree and have something to show for what I am doing. I am joining
groups and making long term commitments here. Ones that I would under no circumstances
have joined in any other place before now because I knew a head of time that I
would be leaving it all behind in just a few short months.
That translates into a few things happening. Those groups I
am joining? They are writing groups, and racing groups, and groups that choose
a time to dissect fairy tales. I am going to be signing up for Krav Maga here
soon. I am making commitments to things that have always been close to my
heart, and I find that I love that. When I first planned on moving here I
figured it would be for the 9 months of the school year. Take the summers off,
help keep the sanity of a very transient person in a very permanent place. I do
not think that that is what will be happening now.
Because if, you haven’t noticed, it is when the insanity is
at its peak that you look up and find yourself exactly where you want to be.
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